when I wonder, "Am I a good mom?"

This is a question we all seem to want a definitive answer to...am I a good mom? It plagues us. It pulls at our heart. Unfortunately, it often looks for answers in all the wrong places.

I have been mulling over this topic for a while to find the right words or the right pieces of scripture that speak truth into this seemingly unanswerable question.

In researching this topic I came across an excellent article in the New York Times about how incredibly dangerous this myth of super mommy or as they call it the "Goddess Myth" can be. It is an incredible article and I urge you to read it in its entirety but some of my takeaways were this...

1. Almost all of us, at some point in our mothering journey, feel inadequate.

Why is this relevant? Because when I see a mom at the library with her two girls sitting contently, fully engaged with the teacher while my two children won't sit still and are crying through storytime (yup, this happened), I can find peace in the fact that she struggles too. Instead of going down the rabbit hole of "I am an inferior mom...I must be doing something wrong", I can see myself and my children for who we are, children of Christ....sinners who are imperfect. Even the moms who appear to have it all together all the time, they struggle just like me.

2. Almost all of us feel pressure to do things a certain way and when we can't...well, read number 1 again.

We are the people we are today because of the people who have shaped us. We look at those people when deciding who we are as mothers. Either thinking...she was a good mom, I want to imitate her OR she was not a good mom, I want to do better than her. Either way, we are putting pressure on ourselves to be better or just as good as some other mom out there. The absurd reality though is this...we are the ones deciding what is good and what is less than and since we are imperfect by design it is absurd to think we can define what is good and perfect! Proof of this...we change our minds on what it means to be a good mom monthly, maybe even weekly or daily!

3. No matter what picture I create in my head of what it means to be a "good mom", it will never be fully attainable.

This might sound disheartening but until we accept that we will never to able to live up to what we consider a good and perfect mom, we won't be able to become the mom God designed us to be. I think most of us will admit this, but in our hearts, sometimes we still believe if I just try hard enough, if I just read enough books, if I just _____, I can be a good mom. If you can be honest with yourself and admit you have had those very thoughts (guilty here), then I am going to challenge you with this question: If we can become the whole of what we define to be a "good mom", then why did Jesus have to save us? Why was his life given up for us? If we can do these things on our own, why did we need him to die for us to earn his perfect record in God's eyes? If we were able to do this on our own...his life could have been spared. But the freeing truth is that we can't do it without his grace.

---

I have been studying...

the book of Matthew for the past few weeks and recently I read through chapter 13. The opening parable of the sower caught my attention in a way it never has before. To refresh your memory, read verses 3-9 below.

Then he told them many things in parables, saying: “Consider the sower who went out to sow. As he sowed, some seed fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured them. Other seed fell on rocky ground where it didn’t have much soil, and it grew up quickly since the soil wasn’t deep. But when the sun came up, it was scorched, and since it had no root, it withered away. Other seed fell among thorns, and the thorns came up and choked it. Still, other seed fell on good ground and produced fruit: some a hundred, some sixty, and some thirty times what was sown. Let anyone who has ears listen.”

When I read through this I saw it through the lens of parenting. I saw the path, the rocky ground, the thorns, and the good ground as being ways we bring up our children. The only place that our children will thrive is on the good soil and the good soil can only be found through Christ.

Path

These seeds were planted here in haste and quickly picked up by the birds. These are the outside distractions that pull us from being the mom we were intended to be, these seeds were planted without thought of the future. All of the seemingly "important" tasks that pull us from being present with our children.

Glances at my phone while building a train out of lego blocks with my son, finishing up some work project (that doesn't need to be done yet) while my daughter colors a picture at the kitchen table...these may seem like little insignificant moments but they will be moments etched into my children's memories and snatched up from mine if I don't notice that I am not being present. Life is just a collection of little moments. I want to be present in as many of those little moments as I can so know that they are loved.

Rocky Ground

Jesus explained the seeds on the rocky ground as being able to grow but not having the roots to sustain a full life. These plants shoot up and appear to be healthy but wither in the scorching sun.

Here we can find parallels to all of the ways the world tells us to be a "good mom". If you google search "how to be a good mom", you get over a billion results. If you read through even 20 of the articles I am sure you will find conflicting opinions. This is the idea that we can be inconsistent with our parenting. Thinking this month the best and only way to feed your kids is through baby-led weaning but after a few weeks of cleaning up the artwork he makes at dinner you decide to throw that idea out the window and go back to baby mush. Nothing has time to take root and fully develop because we are constantly changing our minds to go with the cultural fads.

Thorns

The seeds planted among the thorns grow but get choked out by the surrounding thorns. Jesus explains that these plants get smothered by the thorns and deprived of sunlight, therefore withering away.

If you could not relate to the scenarios above, here is where I think a lot of us fall. We get overwhelmed in the "doing" of motherhood. The lists, the chores, the tasks that call our attention every day. They are suffocating. And the prevent us again, from being present with our children. The thought here is that if we can accomplish all of the items on our to-do list, then we are a good mom. If I am honest with myself, this is where I struggle the most...especially because I work full time. I come home and I need to do a load of laundry and start cooking supper and wash all the dishes from lunch and pack lunches for tomorrow...I could walk in the door and just do all the tasks but never truly connect with my kids. The "doing" of motherhood is important, but the memory I want to leave my kids from childhood is not an image of their mother's back standing in the kitchen, it's of my eyes looking into theirs, my smile, our laughter.

Good Ground

Finally, some seeds fell onto fertile soil and grew up to produce fruit. Where I and my children will thrive is in the Lord. Loving and living through his law. Looking at my heart intentions whenever I feel myself being pulled from my kids. This is where we will spend the bulk of our time today trying to discern...where is this good ground and how can I plant my children's seeds there?

---

I heard this analogy...

once that when we look at our mothering in the face, it is like we are looking into a fun house mirror. Imperfect. Some parts look the way they should while others look distorted and ugly. We can try to move to make our thighs look less like 10-pound bags of potatoes but when they are back to their skinny size 5s, now our head looks like we are the Alien from the movie ET. No matter what we change in our motherhood, something will always be lacking IF we are looking at ourselves. But if we choose to look to Christ instead, we will see his perfect image. The only way to get our seeds on the good soil is to look towards Christ.

Sorry...

I am not going to give you a list of 7 things to do to be a good mom (it amazed me how many of those exist already when I did a "good mom" Google search). There is nothing I could say or tell you that would be more powerful than what the Lord has already written. But to follow the Lord and see him through our mirror instead of our distorted selves, is to know him. I thought I knew him. I went to church. I was raised in a Christian family since birth. But I didn't. I found myself always worrying when I should have had faith. Always second-guessing when I should trust God's timing. Always asking "why" when I have no right to questions God's plan. That is because I couldn't trust someone I didn't know. Since starting a daily habit of waking up early to spend time with God, I know him better than I ever have.

These words that I am giving you today are to be in your heart. Repeat them to your children. Talk about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Bind them as a sign on your hand and let them be a symbol on your forehead. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your city gates. Deuteronomy 6:6-9

How can I follow what Moses is preaching to his people if I don't know the words that were given?

In our culture, we tend to focus more on performance and so little on building genuine relationships. To put it another way, we look at what someone has to offer on the outside...degrees, income, fashion rather than what is on the inside...heart intentions. We see this in motherhood by playing the comparison game. Constantly comparing different aspects of our motherhood from what type of food or drinks we give our toddlers to what kind of diapers our babies wear. All of those pieces can be seen from the outside, they are only surface level. I love the quote I have seen floating around lately that reads...

You can eat all the kale, buy all the things, lift all the weights, take all the trips, trash all that doesn't spark joy, wash your face but if you don't rest your soul in Jesus you'll never find peace and purpose.

AMEN!

You can change all the diapers, wash all the faces, dress in all the cutest outfits, buy the latest toys, feed them all the organic food, send them to the best school, but if we don't teach them how to rest their souls and find hope and happiness in Christ alone, they'll never find peace and purpose.

Moms...

we have too many goals. We want to be perfect at too many things. Those goals are not inherently a bad thing. But when we begin to define ourselves by those outward goals and how we measure up to the next mom, whether we admit we are doing it or not, it turns us into shame-filled, hollow shells of ourselves. Popular culture wants to tell you differently. They tell you to put your nose to the grindstone and hustle a little harder. It's a lie. What they aren't telling you is probably one of two things... either they have way more help (physical or financial or both) than they lead you to believe or they're picture-perfect Instagram feed is a facade. A mask. Fake.

I cannot say it enough...if perfect were achievable...even the imperfectly perfect life that some woman put forth and talk about how they know they aren't perfect but they are totally at peace with themselves, you know what I am talking about right? Even all those people, we all deal with mind-numbing self-doubt and heart-crushing feelings of inadequacy. No one has it put together all of the time because if we did...if we truly had the ability to keep it together all the time, we wouldn't need Jesus' saving grace. His life could have been spared.

For he knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust. Psalm 103:14

He knows we are flawed. He knows our limitations! We are his creation so none of this comes to a surprise to him. But he cannot heal those who don't first acknowledge they need him. It would be like if you had cancer or some other life-threatening illness. You know you should see a doctor but instead, you want to see if you can tough it out alone. CRAZY right? No one would actually think they could treat cancer from their kitchen with a few herbs and homeopathic remedies. The same is true for us. We need to run to Christ for him to heal us with his saving grace. We become happier when we accept our limitations and live in the joy of this season.

I am more satisfied when I stop continually seeking "things" to satisfy me and start truly seeing and welcoming the season of life I am currently in; being grateful for the blessings I already have in my life.

Where there are no oxen, the crib is clean... Proverbs 14:4

I have 2 oxen over here making my cribs all sorts of dirty and sticky and stinky. Life overwhelms me, it challenges me, it changes me. But I am the only one who can decide how it will change me. What my kids need is a happy momma. I can let the crazy get under my skin and turn me into the wicked witch of the west...barking orders and demanding compliance. But what they really want and need is a mother who can see past the dirty dishes in the sink and the grimy kitchen floor and take 10 minutes on the couch to read books or crawl under the kitchen table to help "fix" the leaks.

To be a good mom...

I need to be a happy mom. To be a happy mom I need to release my guilt of "never enough" and stop making my family believe that they are inadequate or causing my frustration or overwhelm. Sounds pretty harsh when I put it on paper but when I say words like... "Why are you always mean to your sister?" or "Why are you always so crabby?" I am placing the blame on them for my "not enough" feeling.

I have been talking lately about our journey towards minimalism and simple living. Learning how to be joyful and content no matter what life has put in front of us is something we are getting the opportunity to practice over and over again through parenthood. Those skills are where I want to plant the seeds of my children. That garden has the fertile soil of love, grace, and gratitude. It is where we know we are flawed and we run to the Lord to receive his perfect image. However, I am learning that I can't teach my kids what I don't know or practice myself. I can't teach them how to find hope in Jesus if I don't do the same in my life.

Whatever you do, do it from the heart, as something done for the Lord and not for people, knowing that you will receive the reward of an inheritance from the Lord. You serve the Lord Christ. Colossians 3:23-24

To be a good mom I need to be intentional about every diaper I change, every nose (or butt) I wipe, every meal I make (whether it's appreciated or not), every walk we take needs to be to glorify Christ. All the mundane doings of motherhood are, in fact, to serve a greater purpose. The sooner we see that larger picture and remember (I have quoted him so frequently but it remains so true)...You cannot overestimate the unimportance of practically everything. (Greg McKeown)

There's a story...

in the book of John about feeding the five thousand. A boy gave all that he had to help feed five thousand people that were gathering to hear Jesus preach...five loaves of bread and two fish. Through Christ's love and grace and sheer miracle workings, this was enough to feed all of the people. When I walk up to the table to motherhood I regularly feel like I am trying to feed five thousand people with five loaves and two fish. If I try and do it on my own...I will come up short. Every. Single. Time. But if I offer up all that I have to the Lord, he will fill in all my imperfections with grace, love and compassion.

And as always...

Be empowered. Be centered. Be intentional.