when we became another statistic

For millions of women

across the country, this photo would bring a rush of joy...happiness...reason for celebration.

But for us...it didn't. Let me explain. To do so we need to back up a few weeks.

July 23: I am 3 days late so I take a test. Not because I think we are pregnant but just for kicks and giggles. My period has often been sporadic so 3 days, not a big surprise. But much to my wonderment...IT'S POSITIVE! WE ARE HAVING ANOTHER BABY!

August 1: Some brown spotting occurs...not really alarming. I didn't have any spotting with my other pregnancies but every one is different.

August 2: I pass a small clot. Shit. This seems strange. I call my midwife. Her nurse assures me all of that is normal. We scheduled my first visit.

August 3: I wake up to a fresh blood spot in my underwear...wipe...shit...there's more. Ryan and I go to the store and pick up another few tests just to make sure I didn't somehow get a false positive....enter the photo you see here....another positive. Later in the day, more blood...more clots...so much I wear a pad.

Ladies, I want to have another baby...but this test...I wanted it to be negative. I wanted the first to be a false positive. I wanted to not be pregnant because the alternative is too devastating...miscarriage.

But I kept faith. I called my midwife and her nurses assured me that everything was probably okay. They told me implantation bleeding was normal. Some women bleed for the whole first trimester. So we set up my initial appointment and left it at that.

Fast forward...I continue to bleed well into August. I take a few more test because I read that after a miscarriage, it takes about 2 weeks for the pregnancy hormone to leave your body. So I naively thought, "Well I started bleeding August 1st, if that was my miscarriage, then by August 14th I should get a negative test." I had no idea.

August 14th: Positive Test. Ryan and I have talked. We have accepted either outcome. Even though the test still says positive I just don't feel right. I have a feeling there is something terribly wrong.

August 19th: I am still bleeding. Now it's more so that I need something to catch it. I call my midwife back and talk to her nurse. Again, she doesn't sound alarmed. But we do add an internal ultrasound to my visit just to be sure everything is okay.

Later in the day August 19th: Driving to yoga I experience severe cramping for about 10 minutes. Then it's magically gone. Strangest thing. It was so bad I was almost going to turn around and go home, but I didn't. I wish I would have. During class, something just doesn't feel right. I go home and change immediately because I feel like I have wet my pants (not super uncommon after a heated power flow class because I sweat excessively!) But it's not sweat or even pee...it's blood. Massive amounts of blood that, apparently even my period cup could not stop. Then I see it...a golf ball size clot. Ladies, I don't know this for sure because I am not a doctor or anything close but to my estimation, that is about the size my placenta would have been to fit a 6-7 week old baby. Was that my baby? I don't know. Even if it was the deceased fetus, it wasn't my baby, because my baby isn't here. He's in heaven.

---

Why me?

How can God let this happen to us? What did I do to piss him off that I deserve this?

When stricken with any sort of tragedy, our minds are flooded with questions.

God knew we'd have trials. He knew we would struggle to see life his way.

“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” Proverbs 16:9

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. Ecclesiastes 3:1

Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring. Proverbs 27:1

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. Jeremiah 29:11-12

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. Lamentations 3:25-26

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay. Habakkuk 2:3

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! Psalm 27:14

Well damn...what if I don't like his plan?? I don't understand it? Why do innocent lives get lost? How in the name of all that is holy can this be part of his plan?

Plain and simple. If I don't believe that this is part of his plan. If I refuse to trust in the Lord with all my heart then two things about my faith profoundly change:

1. The God I knew a month ago before this tragedy, is not the same God I see now. But I know that is not true...

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Hebrews 13:8

2. If I start to doubt the Lord, what does that mean for the fate of my lost child's soul? If I doubt the Lord's goodness and plan, then where is my child? In the face of losing any child our reaction can usually be to discount God's love and question him. But if I trust in him and his grace, if I trust that this has happened for some larger purpose that I cannot see right now, then my mind can rest because I know my baby is safe in his arms right now. We can't pick and choose what we want to believe in when it comes to the Lord. I can't on one hand question and accuse him while on the other hand believe my child is in heaven. It doesn't work that way.

---

I did a lot of research

during the month that we weren't sure about the fate of our baby. And the most alarming thing I read was this...

1 of 3 pregnancies result in a miscarriage. That might be higher than other stats you have read and that is because it includes the super early miscarriages. The ones where the mother might not ever know she was pregnant and just thinks she got her period late.

Ladies. This is soooo common. But NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT! Yes, I get it, it is an extremely difficult time to walk, but why in the hell are we wanting to walk it alone? Or to wait to talk about it until we have a successful pregnancy? I think there is a sense of inadequacy that follows when our bodies, for whatever reason, can't carry out a successful pregnancy. But more often than not, these things happen for no apparent reason. I had 2 pregnancies with zero complications, then this...riddle me that.

1 in 3. Imagine how less inadequate we would feel if we heard other people's stories? If we knew other women in our lives that walked the same scary path? AND...I don't want to get into this debate today about pro-life vs pro-choice but you will surely know my take by the end of this post...AND this was a living human being. A life lost. We need all the support around us we can get.

My baby had a heartbeat at 22 days after conception.

My baby has a soul.

I lost a child.

People can argue that it is not the same as losing a child after she's born, and I can understand to a certain extent but DAMN PEOPLE! Ask me how many children I have I will tell you 3. It is profoundly difficult to lose any child, no matter the age.

---

That night,

the night we were sure we had lost our baby, Cam and Evy had a really difficult time falling asleep. Evy even had to sleep with us for a bit before she was finally ready to go to bed. She is our rockstar sleeper. Since birth, she has preferred to sleep on her own.

God works like that. Yes, he might make tragedy a part of our journey but he never abandons us. He was forcing our two healthy children into view so we could see what he blessed us with. He used them as a distraction to our grief. Let's be honest, if they would have gone to bed in one try like they usually do, we would have binged watched some garbage on Netflix. I think baby snuggles was a much better way to spend that evening.

---

What now?

Granted I am very new to this and the feelings are still very raw but, I do want to give you something you can actually do to maybe help.

1. One of the only pieces of practical advice I can give...use a period cup. I have loved using mine for just your regular monthly period but I could not imagine going through this miscarriage without my Lunette Cup. Here's why...you will bleed A LOT. I am bleeding about double my regular period amount. But that's not why I love the cup. More than just blood will leave your body. Blood clots and tissue will also need to evacuate your uterus. If you were to use a tampon, none of the "clumps" (for lack of a better word) will be able to come out, they will just get stuck and I am assuming would lead to complications. On the other hand, if you were to use a pad, you will need to change it very regularly and it will also not really catch the large clots and tissue. This may be more than you'd ever want to know, but it is what I wish I would have known. The cup allowed me to still live my life. I could still go for runs, practice yoga. If I had to deal with a pad (because I am guessing tampons are out of the question) I would be limited on how I could go about living my life. I wouldn't be able to do the things than make me who I am. The last thing you need during this trial in your life is yet another reminder of what you lost.

2. When people say something you think is less than helpful or just nothing at all...cut them some slack. They are more than likely good intentioned but just don't know how to respond. They love you and they want to help but they may not know how. If you can think of some way that they can, TELL THEM! Have your mom watch the older kids. Tell your hubby you need a night out...or in. Which leads me to number 2.....

3. Communicate. First, because people can't read your mind or your face. They probably have no clue. It will be hard, trust me, but it will be worth it. The hardest person to tell was my mom but once I told her I felt infinitely better. Second, because remember the stat I listed above...1 of 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. That is an astonishing number. So lady, you are not alone. Reach out. There are more woman than you realize in your life that have lived through the tragedy you are currently facing. Don't walk it alone. That is the point of this whole post, to maybe reach one woman who is feeling alone that does NOT need to feel that way, because you aren't alone.

4. I am even more so than before perpetually grateful for what God has blessed me with. A husband who supports and cares for me. Two incredible, healthy children. My pregnancies and births were picture perfect. Amazing. Dare I say enjoyable! I realize it more after losing this baby. I am learning to be more aware of the moments I am in and learning to be grateful for every joyful second.

5. Acknowledge that this baby existed in your life. We have a yearly family photo album and there will be a page dedicated to this child. We will tell our kids that they had a baby brother (in my heart I have this feeling it was going to be a boy) but that he is in heaven, waiting to meet them. I want to talk about it with my kids because if they have a family someday and are stricken with this hardship, I want them to know they are not alone.

---

Nothing I can say

or advice I can give is going to ease the hurt. No one can prepare you for how hard it will be. No one tells you that this baby...that was starting to grow inside of you...it's going to come out in the mess of blood and fluid and...DAMN IT...you are probably going to see it. Then for me, there was the question of, "If this is my baby, what do I do with it?" Who the hell knows how to answer that question? Who thinks that they will NEED to one day answer that question? And the constant bleeding and cramping...it will just keep reminding you of what you lost...for days. You will feel hollow. You will keep crying. You will keep living without the child that you thought would be yours.

Momma, you will keep living. You must keep living. By the grace of God, he does not send trial into our lives without meaning and purpose. You will not see it now. You might not see it for months, years. It is there...so pray to see it.

I prayed for this boy, and since the Lord gave me what I asked him for, I now give the boy to the Lord... 1 Samuel 1:27-28

Dear little baby

We never got to meet

I never got to tickle

Those two precious feet

Dear little baby

I never knew your name

That does not stop me

From loving you the same

My dear little baby

Please know that you are loved

And someday soon I’ll see you

And hold you up above

-For my 3rd child. I will hold you in my arms someday.

Now more than ever I feel the need to reminder myself to...

Be empowered. Be centered. Be intentional.