when I look at my body

This is me. This is my body.

I am not writing that so you know who's in the picture...it's so I remember. So I can accept that this is me.

The body I once happily flaunted as a successful collegiate runner is now, in a multitude of ways, unrecognizable to me. I know that starting a family and working full time makes it hard to be as deliberate about how I care for my body. I know I do not work out as frequently or as hard as I did in college so of course, my body is not going to be as fit and toned as it used to be.

But this...this is a hard pill to swallow. This makes me want to disown my sorry excuse for abs. Which, in many respects, arguably aren't even abs any more thanks to my close friend, Diastasis Recti. This makes me tape my belly button up with a band-aid when I am wearing a tight shirt because if I don't, I look like I have a third nipple. You know those little stickers some women use for over their breasts when they don't want to wear a bra? The stickers that you wear when you don't want bra strap lines. They cover your nipple so you don't poke someone's eye out if the room gets too cold? I have never used them but a roommate in college did. Ladies, I am saying that I need nipple covers over my severely damaged outie belly button...SERIOUSLY...I can't make this stuff up.

But here I am. This is me. This is my body. The body that has nurtured and birthed 2 humans. The body that has stood upon the mountain of achievement after winning not 1 but 2 NCAA National Titles. The body that despite our accomplishments together, I struggle daily to appreciate.

I have always identified myself as a skinny yet strong girl. Growing up I can distinctly remember feeling immense pride when hearing comments about my size and stature. I typed the word identified in bold above because I want to discuss what that inherently means, what it means to find your identity in something. I think someone might read that line and miss its vast significance.

Over the past few years, I have learned the dangers of placing my identity in attributes that can ultimately be taken from me at any moment. We all do it. When someone asks you about yourself....what do you say? I am a mom of two. I am a teacher. I am a runner. All of those titles are fine ways of answering that question unless we identify ourselves as being synonymous with that title. We are only us if _____ (fill in the blank).

This was a hard concept for me to wrap my brain around at first until it was explained to me like this...

If I find my self worth in something about myself that is fundamentally out of my control, I am setting myself up for shame and discontent.

I wrestle every day with body image. I am learning to love myself and I repeat the mantra "I am enough" daily in an effort to suffocate the self-destructive, shaming gremlins in my head that tell me otherwise. No, I am not talking about the gremlins from the 1984 thriller. These gremlins tell me I am not good, skinny, wealthy, motherly enough. These gremlins that tell me to compare my scared tummy to the unscathed mom of five who is running her 3rd marathon in a sports bra and spandex with the confidence of a Greek Olympian. Oh, and did I mention her five kids are under that age of eight? These gremlins whisper, "You used to have washboard abs...now you could fit a Prius in the gap between your wanna be 6 pack...WORK HARDER!" These gremlins are far worse than anything Chris Columbus could dream up.

Brené Brown introduced the idea of gremlins to me in her book Daring Greatly. These confidence crushing, sneaky little buggers live in our minds, rip at our hearts and diminish our dreams. They tell us we are not enough. They ask us, "Who do you think you are to act, say or think in any that way?"

Even after my skin has been destroyed, yet I will see God in my flesh. -Job 19:26

This verse from Job chapter 19 fell into my lap during my daily devotional reading. You may be thinking that I am being over dramatic by referring to my postnatal body as "destroyed". And maybe I am. But those darn gremlins, man, they are telling me otherwise. When I look at my midsection through the distorted glasses of perfection, that my gremlins conveniently leave on the desk for me to pick up and try on, the lenses that are designed by social media and delivered not by UPS but by my little pals, I hear my gremlins screaming at me "SUCK IT IN!" or "Buy some stretch mark cream, I don't care what it costs!" Does anyone else hear those awful words in their head? Or is it just my gremlins that speak to me that way?

Maybe your gremlins get after you about your weight or your stray hairs that grow in places that hair just shouldn't be allowed to grow. And yes I am speaking from experience...my gremlins are equal opportunity haters. It doesn't matter if it's my appearance, my performance at work, my motherhood, they find ways to sneak into my thoughts and squander my self-worth.

BUT THERE IS HOPE!!

These thoughts...this feeling of doubt...they can be controlled. If you don't feed the gremlins they will stay their nice fluffy selves and not have power. But first, we as Christian women must put on the glasses of grace and remember we are made in God's image. Job 19:26 says it better than any other verse I have come across. Even after the stretch marks, even after the scars, we can see God in the features we are most self-conscious about. Girls, not only do we see God in every part of ourselves but we should hold those scars as a sign of strength, a path representing our journey, a symbol of new life.

New freaking life...

After he had said this, he showed them his hands and his side. The disciples rejoiced when they saw the Lord. -John 20:20

The disciples rejoiced when Jesus showed him the scars on his hands and on his side. They were not disgusted or nauseated by the irregularities and jagged edges on Jesus' body. Those scars proved to them that their Lord had risen. Their savior had returned and was given a new life. And ultimately we are risen and given new life as well.

Our scars should be as joyful for us as Jesus' were to the disciples. They should remind us not of our inadequacy but of the new life were given. The new life of our child. Our new life as a parent.

The problem here is not how we view ourselves, but how social media and the airbrushed, plastic fantasy world on Too-Perfect-To-Achieve Island tell us we should view our bodies. I heard something recently about the many masks comparison wears in its attempt to pull us down. Comparison, our deceitful inner voice, that tells us we aren't doing it right. Even when I think I'm not comparing myself to other moms and other women my comparison gremlins find their way into my thoughts. Have you ever given yourself a timeline to achieve something that truly should not be measured by time? Maybe, getting back to a certain size or weight after having your baby? When I give myself a timeline in order to achieve something that has no business being measured by time, I am subconsciously comparing myself to others. How? Let me tell you.

You have to ask yourself...where did the timeline come from? It more than likely came from someone else..."Jen got back into her skinny jeans in 4 months after having baby Oliver." My timeline to get back into my skinny jeans, 4 months. "You can't even tell that Barbra had a baby and her little April is only 10 months!" My timeline now became 10 months to...and this is absolutely ridiculous to me that we talk like this...look like you didn't even have a baby.

What in the actual world ladies.

You carried, grew and gave birth to an actual human being. Period.

Why do we want to act like we didn't achieve such an incredible fete?! Natural. Cesarean. Epidural. Induced. Water. Premature. Hospital. Home. Birth Center. Doula. Mid-Wife. DOESN'T MATTER! Give birth to another human being is a profound privilege.

I am seriously laughing out loud at my old self right now for being so completely insane and brainwashed into thinking that my personal body image goal post-baby was to look like I didn't even have a baby.

Imagine if Jesus rose from the dead and wanted everyone to just ignore his scars. Discredit and discount everything he went through. He just came back to earth and was like "Yeah, I died, no biggy. I am back now...what parable did I leave off on again?" NO!

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made... Psalm 139:14

You are enough just as he made you.

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So you might be thinking now...okay Keel, I get it. I believe you, but what now.

Now, my friend, I share with you some practical advice that has helped me.

1. Put the scale away. Seriously this has to be number one. This is a slow process. I got obsessed with my weight for the first 9-10 months after my daughter was born. I would jump on the scale first thing and if I didn't like what I saw, it had the power to ruin my whole day. Your weight does not define your progress!
   

2. Get active. Not only will this help you tone up and lose the extra weight (the extra weight you NEEDED to grow a human!) it will release endorphins. Those guys are the best...they make you happy. We could all use a little more happy! I don't care if you walk, run, bike, go to formal group classes at the Y, take up yoga...it's all activity and it's all healthy. Get creative and involve the kids, they need to see you take care of yourself too.
   

3. Eat well. Going along with putting the scale away, I know that if I am eating well I am on the road to living a healthier life. I used to eat very little all day, telling myself I could survive off of carrot sticks and snap peas. But then I would get home and be suuuper hungry. Without even realizing it I would eat a quarter bag of pretzels, 2 fruit strips and a handful of granola...all not terrible things but I wouldn't be super hungry for dinner and eat a full meal anyway. I could lose weight by eating like a bunny rabbit all day but ladies, I enjoy food. I know that if I am obsessing over what I put into my body it gives me unneeded anxiety and quite frankly makes me a crabby momma because if I slip up, my shame gremlins tell me to take it out on everyone around me. I know that if I am eating healthy, whole foods in respectable quantities, losing weight will come. What the scale reads is not my goal, being healthy is my goal. And if being healthy just so happens to make me lose weight, then that is an added bonus.
   

4. Practice gratitude daily. This was a game changer for me. I did steps 1-3 for months without really feeling myself. Gratitude puts it all into perspective. Probably my favorite piece of advice from Brené Brown is that the opposite of scarcity (scarcity being defined as feeling like you need more) is not abundance (getting everything you want) but enough. Being grateful for everything I am blessed with instead of always focusing on what everyone else has that I want. I kid you not, my husband has been telling me for...hmmmm....probably the last 10 years to be thankful for all the gifts God has rained down on me. I have this bad habit of letting one lousy comment someone makes or a jerk on the highway cutting me off or even something negative I hear in a meeting disrupt my whole day and send me into a spiral of negative thoughts that are not even remotely connected to the initial event. However, when even the smallest thing worthy of my gratitude happens, my mind does not have the same reaction...why? I am working to retrain my brain to not only notice but look for areas of my life that I am grateful for...this whole concept of gratitude is really a whole post in and of itself so if you're interested in learning more, stay tuned!
   

5. Remember who made you. Not social media. Not the artist that photo edits pictures for magazines. Not anyone on this earth. Your creator made you who you are. He made you in his image. Now I am definitely NOT saying that if you are 5 foot 2 inches, 350 lbs that you should throw your hands up and say "this is how God made me!" Absolutely not. We need to glorify God and respect the bodies he gave us. This body you are borrowing while you are living here on earth, you need to take care of it because it is the only one you are going to get. Flamin' Hot Cheetos and Diet Coke for lunch do not cut it. And it goes both ways...being overweight is just as abusive as being underweight. Starving yourself to be that perfect size 2 when God meant for you to flaunt a size 10 is not glorifying him and his will. This may be an unpopular opinion to share but if you are mistreating your body by starving it or feeding it unprecedented amounts of processed crap, you are going against the words of the Gospel.

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. -1 Corinthians 6:19-20

And as always...

Be empowered. Be centered. Be intentional.